Unlike their grandiose counterparts – who demand attention through bold displays of superiority – covert narcissists operate in the shadows.
They’re the masters of subtle manipulation, wielding emotional weapons so carefully disguised that their victims often blame themselves for the damage.
Understanding their tactics isn’t just academic, it’s essential for protecting your mental health and relationships.
Essentials
If you’re in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist, you’re probably the only person who knows it.
Even though most would say that they don’t know much about them, to everyone on the outside they’re helpful, well-liked and seemingly an all-round good person.
They’re really good at staying quiet, absorbing information rapidly for later use.
They’re great at appearing as the victim, martyr or the one who’s wounded – but only with their selected target.
It’s the paradox that makes covert narcissism so insidious: The ability to cause harm while appearing innocent.
The Covert Narcissist’s Playbook: Manipulation Through Martyrdom
The following tactics are part of the Covert Narcissist’s toolbox of strategies designed to erode their target’s mindset, emotional well-being and self-trust.
1. The Guilt Trip Arsenal
Covert narcissists are experts at weaponizing guilt. They never directly ask for what they want; instead, they make you feel terrible for not offering it freely. Guilt is a subtle yet powerful tool of manipulation, presenting themselves as victims to control others without appearing overtly aggressive. Rather than issuing direct demands or criticism, they may express disappointment, imply that others have let them down, or highlight their own suffering in order to evoke feelings of responsibility and shame. This guilt-tripping creates a dynamic where others feel compelled to meet the narcissist’s unspoken expectations or make amends for perceived wrong-doing. Over time, this emotional manipulation can erode self-trust and keep people entangled in unhealthy, one-sided relationships.
Common phrases:
- “I guess I’ll just handle everything myself, like always” (instead of asking for help)
- “Don’t worry about me, I’m used to being forgotten” (when they aren’t getting enough attention)
The intended effect: To make you feel responsible for their emotions and eager to please them to avoid the discomfort of guilt.
How victims feel: Constantly walking on eggshells, anxious about disappointing the narcissist and carrying an overwhelming sense of responsibility for someone else’s happiness. Victims often describe feeling like they can never do enough, no matter how much they give.
2. Passive-Aggressive Warfare
Covert narcissists often rely on passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate others while maintaining a façade of innocence or victimhood. Rather than expressing anger directly or confronting issues head on, covert narcissists use this as their weapon of choice. They may use the silent treatment, make sarcastic comments disguised as jokes, “forget” to do things they promised, make backhanded compliments, be deliberate in procrastinating, or use subtle sabotage to express resentment or control outcomes. This indirect hostility creates confusion and self-doubt in their targets, who are left questioning whether the slight was intentional or if they’re simply overreacting. The covert narcissist’s refusal to take responsibility, paired with their ability to twist the narrative, allows them to undermine others while preserving their image and avoiding accountability. When confronted, they act shocked and hurt that you would think they were being intentionally difficult.
Common phrases:
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“Wow, must be nice to have all that free time.” (Implied laziness or selfishness.)
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“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me – you have more important things to do.” (A guilt trip masked as selflessness.)
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“Sure, I’ll do it – like I always do.” (A jab disguised as willingness.)
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“I’m just being honest. Sorry if you’re too sensitive.” (Excusing a hurtful comment as honesty.)
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“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause drama.” (Suggesting your reaction – not their behavior – is the problem.)
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“I was just joking, you take everything so seriously.” (Deflecting accountability after making a cutting remark.)
The intended effect: To punish you for perceived slights while maintaining plausible deniability, forcing you to question your own perceptions.
How victims feel: Confused, frustrated and constantly second-guessing themselves. Victims often report feeling like they’re going crazy because they sense hostility but can’t quite prove it.
3. Emotional Vampirism Through Victim Playing
Covert narcissists often engage in emotional vampirism, draining others of energy, empathy, and attention to feed their own need for validation and control. They subtly position themselves as perpetually misunderstood, wounded and overwhelmed, and victims of life’s circumstances, other people’s selfishness, or past traumas. They share their struggles in ways that seem like genuine vulnerability but are actually calculated to extract sympathy, attention and resources from others. This effectively draws others into a cycle of caretaking and emotional labor. Through chronic complaining, silent treatments, or playing the victim, they monopolize conversations and emotional space, leaving others feeling depleted and responsible for their well-being. This manipulation isn’t loud or obvious – it’s quiet, insidious, and often cloaked in helplessness or sensitivity, making it difficult to set boundaries without guilt or backlash.
The intended effect: To create an endless supply of emotional support while never having to reciprocate or take responsibility for their role in problems.
How victims feel: Emotionally drained, overwhelmed by the constant need to provide comfort and support, and guilty when they need support themselves. Many victims describe feeling like emotional ATMs -> always dispensing care but never receiving deposits.
4. The Subtle Superiority Complex
While overt narcissists boast openly, covert narcissists express superiority through humble-bragging, intellectual condescension, or positioning themselves as more enlightened or suffering than others. They might say things like, “I’m probably too sensitive for this world” or “Most people just don’t understand deep thinking like we do.”. They will intentionally position a partner as ‘less than’ so that they feel superior using any small nuance to gain the upper hand. They may pick on earning potential, career path, friends, family structure, background, hobbies, interests or any other area that gives them a foot hold. The Covert Narcissist will repeatedly land in the space which creates the most significant impact, or feelings of low self-worth.
The intended effect: To establish themselves as special while appearing modest, creating a dynamic where you feel privileged to be chosen by someone so “exceptional.”
How victims feel: Initially flattered to be included in the narcissist’s “special” circle, but eventually inadequate and constantly trying to prove their worth to someone who sees themselves as inherently superior.
5. Triangulation and Comparison Games
Covert narcissists love to create triangles in relationships, often by by bringing a third party – real or imagined – into the dynamic to create insecurity, competition, or division…and making you compete for their attention. They might frequently mention how understanding their ex was, how much their friend appreciates them, or how disappointed they are that you’re not more like their sibling. They may compare you to someone else (“Well, she never makes a big deal out of things”), claim others agree with them (“Everyone thinks you’re overreacting”), or share selective information to pit people against each other. This third party can involve friends, family and even children are used as pawns for the Narcissists manipulation.
This tactic keeps others off balance, vying for the narcissist’s approval and distracts from the narcissist’s own behavior. By sowing seeds of doubt and mistrust, the covert narcissist maintains power and isolates their targets, all while appearing innocent or even peacemaking on the surface.
Common phrases:
- “Look at how crazy your mother is acting“.(pulling a child into the scenario)
- “I talked to so-and-so and they agreed with me that you’re (insert variable)…” (adding a third party who seemingly is in agreement with them)
The intended effect: To keep you insecure and competing for their approval while maintaining multiple sources of narcissistic supply.
How victims feel: Jealous, insecure, and constantly comparing themselves to others. Victims often become obsessed with proving they’re better than the people the narcissist praises, trapping themselves in an unwinnable competition.
6. Gaslighting Through Selective Memory
When confronted about their behavior, covert narcissists often claim they don’t remember events the way you do, or they minimize the impact of their actions.
Common Phrases:
- “I never said that”
- “That never happened”
The intended effect: To make you doubt your own memory and perceptions, ultimately training you to stop confronting them about problematic behavior. They also use this technique to destabilize you – making you question yourself and not them.
How victims feel: Initially these statements will be met with defiance – even anger. But over time, victims start to question their own memory and cognition. They become confused about reality, doubting their own memories and judgments, and increasingly isolated as they become less likely to trust their own experiences or seek outside validation.
7. Physical Positioning For Veiled Importance
Covert Narcissists are incredibly subtle in the messages they send. While quite volatile, they are unlikely to react in overtly physical manner and instead, will opt for ‘positioning’ which allows deniability but conveys their intended message of ‘being more important than you’ to their target.
For example, a covert narcissist will open the door for a stranger but then go through it and close it in their partner’s face. They will help a woman in the parking lot with her baby but watch you as you struggle with full hands and a task you are attempting to complete. They may bump into you and hurt you, but say it wasn’t on purpose (casual injuries are quite pervasive). They will step in front of you to go first, and opt for a path that requires you to move even though there is an alternate.
The intended effect: These subtleties are meant to send the message that you are not important and that they (and everyone else) are better than you.
How victims feel: While these events are shocking, over time victims start to believe in their own value being diminished. They will feel increasingly unimportant and accept this as the status quo.
The Cumulative Damage: Why These Tactics Are So Destructive
The insidious nature of covert narcissistic abuse lies in its subtlety. Each individual incident might seem minor or even caring on the surface, making it difficult for victims to identify what’s happening. This creates several layers of psychological damage:
Erosion of Self-Trust: Victims gradually lose confidence in their own perceptions, emotions, and judgments. They become dependent on the narcissist’s version of reality.
Chronic Anxiety and Depression: The constant emotional manipulation creates a state of hypervigilance and emotional exhaustion that often manifests as anxiety disorders and depression.
Codependency: Victims become addicted to trying to “fix” or please the narcissist, losing sight of their own needs and boundaries in the process.
Social Isolation: Covert narcissists often gradually isolate their victims from support systems, either through direct manipulation or by making victims too emotionally exhausted to maintain other relationships.
Cognitive Dissonance: Adding to the confusion is that two opposing thoughts are attempting to occupy the same space. They tell you they love you but do not act as they do. They buy your love with things instead of creating an intentional emotional intimacy based on connection and actions.
The Big Question: WHY?
It’s less important that you understand the motivation behind the narcissist’s actions. Having said this, some insight into their thinking patterns can help define what’s happening in a relationship.
Contrary to their actions, Narcissists have VERY low self-esteem and internalized sense of self-worth. This is why they are typically attracted to good people. Empaths are particularly attractive to them.
They want to foster the following:
- Eroding your self-trust makes you more reliant on them
- Fostering co-dependency ensures that you become attentive to their needs
- Making you look bad/crazy/reactive, makes them look good
- Making you feel badly about yourself, makes them feel superior
- Their value is elevated by lowering yours
Breaking Free: Recognition Is the First Step
Understanding these tactics is crucial for anyone who suspects they might be dealing with a covert narcissist. The key to breaking free lies in trusting your feelings over their explanations, maintaining connections with people who validate your experiences, and remembering that healthy relationships don’t require you to constantly question your own reality.
Know that if you have a narcissistic parent, you are more likely to fall prey to a romantic relationship involving a narcissist. Similarly, children of a narcissist can be easily swayed to find a familiar (similar) relationship or they can show signs of following this narcissistic pattern.
If you recognize these patterns in your own relationships, consider seeking support from a mental health professional who understands narcissistic abuse. Recovery is possible, but it often requires professional guidance to rebuild your sense of self and learn to trust your own perceptions again.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions. Healthy love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your sanity to prove your devotion.